


Not For Me

by orphan_account



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Gen, Heartbreak, M/M, Or Happy, Post-Break Up, Reminiscing, i tried to capture the feeling??? of heartbreak, it's not as sad as it sounds i swear, just read it pls, kinda vague, read if ur sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 12:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19107397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: sometimes hongjoong willingly thinks about it, sometimes it just comes to him, what he had, who he had, and he breaks his heart over and over





	Not For Me

strange day, thought hongjoong, staring out of his balcony at dawn. the winds were too cool, there was a sharpness about the sky, he sighed. every day had felt foreign since seonghwa had left. every day would forever feel foreign. and at that tears swelled in his eyes, as they did often, when he thought of seonghwa. and he did not have the strength to wipe at them today.

then, to reminisce. oh how he reminisced. he lived too much in those two months he had had him, thought about them so much, they felt, at once, too fragmented, down to every word spoken, each whisper, every touch, and too far away. the reality it had once been, was now but a dream he escaped to. the dullness he felt in his heart, the pain even when it had been months. hongjoong smiled a little as he returned to bed, but it was a small smile, dull and tired. the only smile he smiled these days, when his brain was numbed and his heart felt much too constricted in his chest. he found it. he found it still in aches that ran through him, left him sleepless, left him forlorn and dust- touched, with tears streaked down his cheeks.

he moved again, cloaking himself in the darkness of his lids, and he thought. of the first time he saw seonghwa, and then the second, the third, and on until that time, when everything seemed too electric, when seonghwa's energy buzzed right into him and then he knew. he knew so completely that he wanted seonghwa, he never tried to fight it. and he didn't need to, for seonghwa had become his, so quickly, for they felt fate's hand had meddled somewhere, for them to be, and then all had been good, in flashes. and he shut out the misery, he always shut it out, for it felt so blessed when it had been lost, but it stung his heart like some raging buzz.

it was a story he flipped over in his head, all the good bits bright, and played on, and on, over and over, till he felt he lived only there, and he knew he was lost, and he knew he was losing himself, but how could he not. and he thought of seonghwa, sweet seonghwa, seonghwa with his cheeky grin, with his pout, his much too warm heart, his little jokes they giggled to till their eyes ran, with his smile of a million suns that made hongjoong the warmest he had ever been. seonghwa who kissed him like it energized his very being, seonghwa who was his love, seonghwa who was love itself, the embodiment of all meaning the four letters could possibly encapsulate. the pain felt as if it had dissolved into him, he felt it course through his veins, and he pulled his bedclothes taut around him, miserable, trying for the nth time warmth to replace just the barest of what he had had.

he thought of the twinkle in seonghwa's eyes, and the lines of his face, his lips, him, him, him. hongjoong felt that he had never gotten to see seonghwa, and at once he recalled how seonghwa felt, with him. like it had been a faint memory even while it was still, and like he could feel it so deeply, so achingly, the loss ever new. and a sound escaped him, some harsh growl, some hellish groan, borne of pain and tears, polished with heartbreak. 

and his parched soul dipped once again into the well, the well of them, the well of hongjoong and seonghwa, and felt it helplessly lap at what was, and then it came, up for air, up to breathe, and the good-bye flashed into his head. the agony in his eyes, the blaze in seonghwa's, as his face turned cold and expressionless, watching his only love shrink in front of his eyes, and then then the silence, "you're not for me, joongie, not for me."

and at that, he broke, he always broke.

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably quite sucky but i felt brave enough to post. i just had to write it out. kudos are nice. comments too. kindly worded criticism is welcomed. thank you for reading this <3`


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